Tag Archives: privacy

Dear John: Woman Wants No Tan Lines, Neighbors Might Want To See How That’s Achieved

I have really nice neighbors, and we are always pleasant to each other. We put up a large above-ground pool in our backyard, and they put up a trampoline.

I would like to enjoy our pool (how to put this delicately?) without tan lines. I do not want to offend them or expose myself to their teenage son when he’s jumping on their trampoline. Is there a tactful way to ask them to move the trampoline since there is no other way to stay discreet in my own backyard? — NO TAN LINES

Dear No Tan Lines:

Oh my god! Tramapoline! Trambopoline!

How…how tall is this trampoline? Is it like the Bank Hotel from Ocean’s 13? Because that would be one HELL of a trampoline!

One suggestion: Build a taller fence. You really don’t want to ask the neighbors to move their trampoline and then give your actual answer because then it might get back to the same teenage son you’re trying to avoid and he might then sneak out there and try and see what you’ve got hiding under your clothes. I speak from experience of being a teenage boy.

You can definitely ask them to move it on account of your privacy. And if that doesn’t work then maybe look in to some alternative ways to get no tan lines.

Whatever solution you reach, please wear sunscreen! Per skincancer.org: “While it is not the most common of the skin cancers, [melanoma] causes the most deaths. In 2016, an estimated 76,380 of these will be invasive melanomas, with about 46,870 in males and 29,510 in women.

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“Jaw With John” – Friend, Discretion Is Advised

Recently a close friend and her boyfriend visited my family and me. During the visit my friend casually asked about my best friend, “Shelley.” We see each other only a few times a year.

As I was filling in my visiting friend about Shelley’s adorable new apartment she abruptly asked if she was still sleeping with the same (married) man she’s been seeing for years. I was completely dumbfounded and shocked. My visiting friend felt awful that she outed Shelley and said she assumed I already knew.

I feel terrible and wonder why Shelley didn’t tell me about this relationship. It seems dishonest of me not to bring this up with her, and I’ve always been honest with her. Should I tell her I know? I don’t want to throw my visiting friend under the bus for letting it slip. She feels terrible. I am feeling so torn between being honest and upfront about knowing and being respectful of Shelley’s privacy. If she wanted me to know, she would have told me, right? — Upset Friend

Dear Upset:

Let’s face it, your friend might have found out about Shelley through a third party so don’t feel too bad.

As for Shelley, you can approach her by saying “I heard that this guy you’re seeing is married? Is this true?” If she wants to talk about it, she will. If not, then that’s on her and you should respect that no matter how strongly you disagree with her. Discretion is a must here as doing anything loud or public could severely ruin multiple people’s lives. You and I know what she is doing is wrong but you are not the one to decide how it all plays out.

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“Jaw With John” – Offline Girlfriend Creating Online Barriers

My serious girlfriend has a social media account. She refuses to include me in her group and has blocked me from having access to simply look at the site.

This concerns me because while I understand she needs and deserves privacy, I feel like she could be hiding something from me. I’m not sure what she could be hiding but I wonder if it is something like having relationships with other men.

Am I being overly concerned or unfair to her? — Serious Guy

Dear Guy:

Uh no dude. You’re not. You have every reason to be concerned. She won’t let you see what’s on her Facebook(?) page – I assume Facebook because let’s be real here, no one is on MySpace anymore – and that raises a GIANT RED FLAG. If you’re the snooping kind then you could ask someone who has access to her page show you what she’s up to. Or you know, you could just ask her straight up and see how she reacts.

If you two are as serious as you say you are and she won’t let you in to her digital space and this is a big problem for you, then you might need to rethink this relationship. She is clearly hiding something from you and put up a barrier. Break it down or break up with her…or break it down and THEN break up with her…or break it down and stay with her…You have a few options.

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“Jaw With John” – Drunk Texts Should Be Returned To Sender

I need your perspective.

My wife and I have been married for 35 years, and even though she is rarely interested in me, I don’t think she has ever been physically unfaithful. But ever since the technology has become available she has been a drunk texter. For a long time she denied it, but she finally admitted that she was sending “flirty, silly” messages to male friends of ours. Even though I told her I thought it was inappropriate and disrespectful, she insisted it was just harmless fun.

Then she received a text one night after she was asleep. I tried to ignore it, but her phone kept beeping every five minutes. So I finally got her phone out of her purse and pushed the OK button to make it stop. I didn’t read the message or anything.

The next day when she saw she had a missed text, she became unglued. She yelled at me, accusing me of reading her texts and checking her call log. When I explained what really happened, she called me a liar. That’s when I began wondering what was in there that she was so worried I would see. She claimed there was nothing, that it was just a privacy issue. So then I called her a liar and we had an ongoing dispute for a week with both of us saying a lot of mean things.

Fortunately we have mostly gotten past it, but I can’t stop wondering what was in her phone that day. I contend there should not be anything in there that her spouse could not see. And she continues to insist there isn’t and that it is just a privacy issue. What do you think? — Hurt and Confused

Dear Confused:

Whoa whoa whoa! “Even though she is rarely interested in me”??? Did you hear yourself there? I don’t think your wife loves you dude. I’ve drunk texted many times before. Sometimes these things have been as harmless as telling someone where I was. Other times they’ve been videos of me talking to my phone telling myself how drunk I am at that moment. It’s a mixed bag. But it can be dangerous and in this instance, it sounds as such.

This issue though goes BEYOND privacy and straight into possibly being unfaithful. What she is doing is not “harmless”, as she claims, since it is causing you to question your wife’s fidelity. You said it yourself that she’s not interested in you and you sound just interested enough to try and keep her around when you probably shouldn’t.

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“Jaw With John” – Covering Up Private Parts

I frequently read in your column about people snooping into their partner’s e-mail or texts and how that is a breach of privacy. I disagree.
No part of either my phone or computer is private from my husband.

He is too lazy to log out of my Facebook account and into his, so he just reads mine (he never comments for me, though). If I wanted to hide any portion of my personal life from him, I think it would mean that I was doing or thinking something that I shouldn’t. If we live authentic, honest lives, there is nothing to hide. Our privacy should be shared privacy.

Please explain what is wrong with my thinking. — Confused Reader

Dear Confused:
What’s wrong with your thinking? Look at your verbiage there. You use the word “snooping” which already implies that you’re going through things you shouldn’t.

As for your husband, I agree with you that he is just too lazy to log out of Facebook OR he just doesn’t remember his password and continues to use your account. I’m gonna go with forgotten password here.

It bothers me that you believe that even thinking something you shouldn’t is wrong. Are you one of those guys from Scanners where if you think about exploding someone’s head you will? Oh, you’re not? Well then, that just sounds ridiculous.

You also say that “if we live authentic, honest lives, there is nothing to hide.” Well, let me tell you something Rocky Balboa told his son in Rocky Balboa: “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.” There is always something to hide. Whether or not you choose to share that is entirely up to you.

Privacy is not about “hiding” things from other people, it’s about keeping things to yourself because they are personal or, stay with me here, private. Respect that others feel this way and stay away from my phone … and computer … and my craigslist account. Better yet, just stay away from me entirely.

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