Tag Archives: marriage

Dear John: Mom Feels That 3rd Time Is Not The Charm For Daughter

My daughter is on her third marriage to a pretty nice guy, but she’s also in regular contact with her first husband by text, email, and phone. And now, her present husband is also in contact with an ex-girlfriend (hanging out, having lunch, etc.). What part of this picture am I not getting?

— SUSPICIOUS MOM AND IN-LAW IN ARIZONA

Dear Suspicious,

You are getting the entire picture. Your daughter is either on the verge of ending yet another marriage or they are trying to get into swinging.

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“Jaw With John” – Wife Has A Funny View On Being Unfaithful

My wife of 10 years dropped a bomb on me last night. She told me that she’s interested in having sexual relations with a female friend of hers. She is seeking my approval.

She feels that doing this with someone of the same sex doesn’t constitute being unfaithful. I don’t know if I’m being overly conservative here but I strongly disagree.

I’ve known she was curious for a little while now but I was totally not expecting this.

We have two young children and I’m very worried that her curiosity might put our family at risk. We had a long discussion last night but it seems she’s already made up her mind and won’t reason with me.

Is there anything I could say that would convince her otherwise?

I’m eager for your take on this. — Scared Dad

Dear Scared:

Your wife seems to have a funny view of infidelity. By her reasoning, Luke’s Dad on The O.C. wasn’t being unfaithful because it was with another man. Fuzzy logic.

She seems pretty determined and there are no words I can put together that would help you convince her otherwise.

The smart ass in me is suggesting you tell her that since you are not attracted to other men that you would like to be with another woman if she gets to. That would definitely rile her up and maybe expose her to the idea that this is truly dumb and sophomoric.

The realist in me says to seek counseling and explore these thoughts and desires with a professional and maybe then she will see the error in her thinking.

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“Jaw With John” – Leave, Get Out, Right Now

My husband “Steve” and I have been married for eight years, and together for a total of 12. He’s 31; I’m 28.

Five years ago I cheated on him with my best friend. My husband found out about it and I came clean about everything. I haven’t seen or been in touch with the other person since then.

For the past five years my life has been a living hell. Steve goes through my phone, texts, calls, emails, social media and mail. I just ignore this because I have nothing to hide.

If I’m talking on the phone I’m instantly accused of talking to “my boyfriend.” He has been emotionally and verbally abusive, and has been physically abusive twice. When I suggested marriage counseling he said I “wasn’t worth it, never have been and never will be.” He’s “thrown me out” on numerous occasions and then once I pack up my personal belongings he becomes loving and caring toward me.

Two weeks ago he sent me a text saying I had two hours to get home or he was throwing all of my stuff in the front lawn. When I got home he had all of my stuff packed.

I moved out. Steve and I have talked, but he still refuses marriage counseling. He wants me to move back in, says he loves me and doesn’t want me to leave. He said he will give me a month to move back in or he’s filing for divorce.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost all but one of my friends and have lost contact with most of my family because of Steve, so I don’t have many people to talk to. I know the easiest thing would be to go back to him, but I just feel in a few months everything will go back to the way it was. — Walking on Eggshells

Dear Walking:

I’m going to defer this question to my friend Smeagol. Let’s hear what he has to say:

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“Jaw With John” – Marriage Contingency Plan

My partner of three years and I are very happy together and love each other. We are in our mid-20s, live together and have discussed future plans, although neither of us feels ready for marriage yet.

We both agree that in the next five to 10 years, we’d like to be married with kids. My qualm is this: He doesn’t think that a lifelong commitment is realistic. He thinks that after an unspecified amount of time divorce or unhappiness are inevitable and that no two people can sustain a happy relationship “forever.”

I almost want to ask if he sees himself married (to anyone) and keeping separate retirement accounts — but he might actually think that’s a good idea.

Can you suggest a more level-headed approach? I want to know if I’m wasting my time with someone who does not want the same future I do.

There are good reasons people split up, but I think making this commitment with an exit plan creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What do you think? — Anxious

Dear Anxious:

He’s right about one thing: that no two people can sustain a happy relationship forever. That’s impossible. There will be ups and downs but if there truly is a connection then the storm can be weathered together.

My question to you is why do you want to be with someone who is so negative about the long term? This shows that he doesn’t believe that you and he will be together forever. If you still want to go through with marriage then you should have a contingency plan for that inevitable exit. Keep your finances separate and your ear to the ground.

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“Jaw With John” – Engaged Friends Are Eager To Get You Married

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. I am 24 and he is 27. We have enjoyable, well-paying careers, own our home and are busy redecorating. We have had a number of friends get engaged within the last year and are planning weddings.

Almost all of these couples feel that because they are engaged, we should be engaged too. Every time I am with any of them, they ask when we are getting married, when he is buying me a ring, etc. Even my single friends and his family have started asking.

Neither of us is in a rush to be married. Our lifestyle is very different than that of our engaged friends. We are not as eager to be married as they are. We can still do all the things we want to do without signing a marriage certificate. What do I say to these people to get them to stop asking? I’ve already tried “We aren’t in a rush,” and it doesn’t work. I don’t feel I owe them a huge explanation. I just want something that may stop the repetition. — Wondering

Dear Wondering:

Tell them, “we will get engaged when we are ready to get engaged.” Then stare blankly at them for five full seconds to physically indicate how done you are with this line of questioning.

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