Tag Archives: J-Lo

If They Updated Matthew McConaughey Movies

Once you win an Academy Award it stays with you forever. The same can be said for Emmy’s, Grammy’s, Tony’s etc. Your following work, whether it’s an album, movie, or TV show will highlight that achievement. Hell, even if you get nominated you might get that recognition as well.

But what about your past efforts? You know, the ones that maybe weren’t all that great, bad even, or were ignored completely. What about them?

This brought me to the talents of Matthew McConaughey. The dude has been on something of a hot streak over the last few years and while I have always liked the guy, he rarely delivered. Now he’s in high demand. He did the fantastic True Detective and I was equally impressed with his work in Interstellar, following up his Best Actor win for Dallas Buyers Club.

But this being the “alright alright alright” guy I decided to look back at some of his more… less memorable efforts and advertise that Oscar win to see how it would look. Let’s peek into his mind to see what he’s thinking on these posters…

wedding planner

“You know I’m a doctor because he wears glasses. Now you know I’m an Oscar winner too.”

What bothers me about this movie is that he picks out the colored M&M’s because he says that since chocolate is naturally brown the brown they have less artificiality in them…if he was a real doctor he’d know that to create brown you have to COMBINE multiple colors. They don’t just spray it with chocolate, it’s a candy-coated shell just like the rest of them…

Sahara

“Hell yeah, I got skinny and won an Oscar years and years after this. Sorry Steve.”

Double whammy here with Penelope Cruz also getting a nod to her win for Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

how to lose a guy in 10 days

“Hey Kate, remember that time I won an Oscar and you didn’t but probably should have over that movie Marcia Gay Harden was in that no one really saw?…Yeah, me neither. What’s this P.O.S. about again? 10 Days?!?? You’re not getting rid of me in 10 days! I played a guy who had aids for like … 10 years!”

ghosts of girlfriends past

“Is that a scarf you’re choking me with Jennifer? You can’t choke a future Oscar winner. It’s Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, not Oscar winners.”

fools gold

“Ahhh Kate it’s OK, you’ve still got a ridiculously skinny body. Is this photoshopped? Alright, who gives a shit. I’m here for the tan… The title of this one now has double meaning… am I right!?”

failure to launch

“I’m sorry you all had to see Terry Bradshaw’s butt.”

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“Jaw With John” – Watt’s the Matter With Your Friends … And You

For many years I have been the designated driver for my friends who cannot drive for a number of reasons.

When I drove a gas-guzzling car, they would put something in the kitty for gas when I drove them.

Now that I have an electric car they never offer to help.

On the whole I don’t mind, but when I recently drove a friend around for six days during her vacation, never was a cent (or a meal/wine/etc.) offered to help defray the costs.

How should I respond? — A Bit Disgusted

Dear Disgusted:

“Put something in the kitty”? If was a 12-year-old boy I’d be laughing at how inappropriate that sounds…Since I’m a 28-year-old man…I still laugh at it. Who says things like that?

Watt (see what I did there?) would you have them do? Give you money for your electric bill? I don’t get you electric car people. You ditched the gas-guzzler so you could SAVE money and now that you have an electric car you want them to GIVE you money for driving…? What??? And some places they have charging stations so you’re “filling up” for free! You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

But, and a big J-Lo butt…

I will agree that your friend should have offered to pay for a meal, a drink, hell – even parking would’ve been beneficial and appreciated by you! She’s clearly clueless as to how to act around people.

In the future suggest “Hey guys since I drove, would you mind buying me a burger? Or paying for parking?”

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