Tag Archives: friend advice

Dear John: No Vacancies At Second Home Because People Suck

Years ago, I bought a beautiful little cottage in the North Carolina mountains as a second home. I feel very lucky to be able to afford such a luxury and have always been generous, sharing it with family and friends. However, it has reached the point where people constantly ask to use it.

My guests have left holes in cushions, bubble gum on couches and someone’s child even peed in the bed. Only once in 10 years was I left with a thank-you note and a gift card to a local store. Most of the time I find a bottle of cheap wine. (I don’t drink.)

How can I stop this? I’m being taken advantage of. I know I’m partly at fault for being so generous. This cottage was bought for me, my children and grandchildren to enjoy.

— TOO GENEROUS

Dear Too Generous,

You stop it by saying “No.”

This is your home away from home and you get to decide who uses it. If it comes up from someone who used it in the past mention those reasons you stated above and tell them that people abused their time, and more importantly your generosity, and now it’s no longer available.

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Dear John: Co-Worker Lends Wedding Dress, Friend Doesn’t Lend Invite To Wedding, WTF

My co-worker and supposed friend asked if she could borrow my wedding dress because she thought it was so beautiful. I was thrilled to lend it to her and paid for the alterations ($200 plus) as her wedding present. I accompanied her to her fittings and helped her plan her wedding for approximately 100 friends and family.

The kicker: My husband and I were not invited to the wedding, and when she returned my gown, it had lipstick on it and cake down the front. It wasn’t even in a bag — she just handed it to me. What should I think about this?

— FLABBERGASTED IN FLORIDA

Dear Flabbergasted,

I like that you’re flabbergasted because I’m dumbfounded.

How should you think about this? Well, for starters, you now know that your “friend” was only using you and is really a trashy person. I mean, you’re in Florida so what did you really expect? The other thing you should think about is that the dress you so lovingly loaned will now have to be cleaned. When it is cleaned, give that bill right to your “friend” and tell her she owes you.

Then, prepare to distance yourself from said “friend” so that she can’t abuse your kindness anymore.

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Dear John: Family Would Turn Vacation Into Trip From Hell

“Charlotte” and I have been friends for 16 years, ever since we met in college. She lives several states away, so we see each other only once a year when she and her family come to town for a long weekend. Beyond this annual get-together, we never chat on the phone, and communication is pretty much limited to social media.

I have known Charlotte’s (now) husband for 16 years as well, and never cared for him. When they became engaged, none of our friends thought she would actually marry him. He seems to get worse every time I see him, and it has reached the point that I can barely stand to be in the same room with him.

Unfortunately, Charlotte’s kids take after their dad. They are spoiled, nasty, mean children and a bad influence on my young son. Charlotte and her family were in town for their annual visit recently. Afterward I told my husband I didn’t enjoy it and dread the next one.

Charlotte’s husband has now suggested they tag along on our next family vacation! It would ruin our trip. I don’t want to go on vacation if they come with us. Charlotte is still as sweet and lovely as ever, but I do not want to see her husband or children again. What should I do? — HANGING ON FOR NOW

Dear Hanging On,

“What should I do?”??? You tell them “No.”

It’s your vacation. Your time. Your trip. You decide if you want someone else there with you. You rarely see these people so it wouldn’t hurt if you said that this was your vacation and not theirs.

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Dear John: Creeper Dad Found Out Kid’s Friend Does Porn

There is a 31-year-old woman who has been a part of our family since she was a teenager. She and my kids grew up together and they are still good friends.

Her parents are good friends of my wife and me. She is Phi Beta Kappa and graduated magna cum laude from a good college. She has a postgraduate degree from a very prestigious university.

She is in a job she’s had for eight years. She currently makes more than $80,000 a year and is extremely secure.

By an absolutely bizarre twist of fate, I just found out she has been acting in hardcore pornographic videos for the last year, distributed by one of (what I understand is) the biggest production companies in that business. There were 10 pages of her videos when I Googled her stage name.

I am in shock. I am so afraid for her future if her employer, or someone else, makes the same discovery. She’s an adult and is free to make her choices, but if someone makes the connection, in this internet-fueled world, it will follow her for the rest of her life. I’m afraid she’ll lose her job and never be taken seriously as a professional again. I’m afraid for her health and safety.

I have not talked to anyone about this. Whom (if anybody) should I tell? Should I just shut up and let the chips fall where they may? We all love this girl very much, and I’m heartsick. What is the right thing to do?

— Worried Friend

Dear Friend,

“By an absolutely bizarre twist of fate” my ass! You were looking up porn, my man! No need to hide it. It’s OK.

First things first, It’s none of your business. She’s a grown woman who is making her own decisions about her life. She is being safe and is able to balance both of her lives WITHOUT YOU. You are not responsible for her in any way shape or form. It is her life.

Secondly, you’re a creeper.

You list all of these accomplishments she’s received over the years as if that’s supposed to tilt me in your favor. What a loaded question you’ve asked. People can be super successful and want to do other things in their lives. This other thing happens to be porn. Now, before I tell you to pound sand once more I have to ask, what’s her stage name?

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Dear John: Friend Wants More Benefits

During the last year, a female friend of mine has started suggesting that she wants more from our relationship than just a friendship. She has had a history of doing this whenever she becomes friends with a guy.

When she started sending me pictures that became more and more suggestive, I decided to distance myself from her. But in the last month, she has been getting increasingly bold with her advances. How do I handle this without hurting her? — FRIEND AND NOTHING MORE IN IOWA

Dear Friend,

She wants what she can’t have and in this instance that is you! She sounds like the kind of person who is in to the “thrill of the hunt”, if you will. But you, you want nothing to do with her. Are you sure you want nothing to do with her? I mean, are the photos nice? Asking for a friend. If you don’t want anything to do with her or her advances you need to put your foot down and tell her directly “Listen Karen, I appreciate our friendship but I am not interested in taking things further.” If she ignores your words and presses on, then you get to running and run as far away as your legs can take you!

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