Dear John: When In Florida, Avoid Your In-Laws

My husband’s horrible sisters have invited themselves to our home in Florida. They hate me. One’s husband sexually assaulted me five years ago. When I had her come and get him (he was drunk), she accused me of making it up! (She saw it happen.)

The other sister has never invited us over for dinners or special events. She’s extremely obese and will break our furniture if she sits on it.

We are in our 70s, live modestly and can’t afford this selfish intrusion. My husband says, “But they’re my sisters!” Please help me get out of this. — LOOKING FOR PEACE

Dear Looking,

First question: Are you married to someone in The Klumps?

Second question: Would you even want to go over to your sister-in-law’s home for dinner? Sounds like you just want to cut her out completely.

There is one way to get out of this: divorce. JK, you seem to actually love your husband, just not the rest of his family. You can politely excuse yourself when they arrive by letting your husband know “Hey Todd, I’m gonna take a girl’s weekend with Muriel and Florence while your sisters are in town.” Boom. It’s that easy. You can even fake going away with people and just go do something fun for yourself!

Dear John: Gluten-Free Friend Is Worried About Eating At Parties

I feel much more comfortable eating gluten-free. But it creates problems when I’m invited to the homes of friends. What’s the best way to deal with my dietary restrictions when invited to these affairs? — RESTRICTED EATER

Dear Restricted Eater,

You call up whoever invited you and say “Hey Brenda, I’m eating gluten free and was wondering what you will be serving? If you could provide a gluten free option that’d be awesome, but, I understand it’s an inconvenience. So, I can bring something for myself to eat that fits with my diet if a gluten free option is not available. Thanks a bunch!”

The good news is that there a tons of gluten-free options available and your dinner party hosts could potentially be able to accommodate you. At the same time, how many dinner parties are you getting invited to??? Check you out! Ms./Mr. Popular!

But at least you’re not vegan. They can be the worst and nearly impossible to deal with when planning meals.

“Jaw With John” – It’s Just Dinner, Stop Being Weird

“My husband and I notice a trend among some of our friends that we think is strange, but maybe we’re the crazy ones.

We have been invited to parties at people’s homes, and invitations will say, “Bring a dish to pass.” We bring a dish, have fun and keep our opinions to ourselves, but we both think it’s bizarre to have a party and expect the guests to bring the food (finances are not an issue).

When a group is planning a cookout, having everyone bring food seems normal. But planning a party in your home and not providing the food — is this a new thing? — BYOF”

Dear BYOF:

It’s called a potluck and they’ve been around for centuries. WTF, why is this weird to you?

“Jaw With John” – It’s Seafood, Not See Food

“My husband and I just hosted another family meal and, once again, I am dismayed by the complete lack of basic manners and courtesy from various adult family members.

No one says please or thank you. Many of them chew with their mouths open and talk with their mouths full. They are all older than 40. I can’t think of any polite way to make them aware of their rudeness, but I am sick of it. Any suggestions? — Grossed Out”

Dear Grossed:

Suggestion: Don’t eat with them again. What you described is disgusting and … well, just plain disgusting. There is no delicate way to say to an adult that their eating habits are that on an infant. They won’t take kindly to your comment, no matter how you tell them. Perhaps this family is just a “Meet For Drinks” family. That way you’ll never have to see them behave poorly again. Unless they’re slurpers…