Tag Archives: best friend

“Jaw With John” – Best Friend Code Violated? I Think So!

Last year I introduced my long-time best friend and her husband to my new next-door neighbors. All of us got together as couples. Right afterward I found out that my best friend and her husband invited my new neighbors to dinner. She never mentioned to me that she would like to get to know them better.

Best Friend has also visited the next-door neighbors, bringing a bottle of wine. I found out after the fact from the new neighbor.

This secrecy has made me distrustful and somewhat confused and hurt by the actions of my old friend. I have always been an open book with my closest friends, but she’s not like that. She tends to blow off any concerns I express and act like it’s not a big deal. I’ve overlooked small (and some big) slights in the past, but this neighbor thing (on top of other things) has changed my feelings about our friendship.

Am I being overly sensitive or did she break the “best friend code” by pursuing a friendship with my new next-door neighbors/friends without even mentioning it to me? — Disturbed

Dear Disturbed:

It seems like she poached your neighbor/friend. That’s definitely a no-no in the Best Friend Code book.

The fact that Best Friend is meeting up with the neighbor in secret (you finding out after-the-fact would make it a secret) is troublesome. She could have easily said that she wanted to get to know her better and filled you in on it, but she chose cloak and dagger. That’s revealing.

Maybe she’s tired of hanging around with you all of the time and now she has some variety in her friendship circle. Maybe she figures that you two already live next door and must see each other all of the time so she feels that this isn’t a big deal. Whatever the case may be, you should bring it up with Best Friend. Camping out by the blinds to catch a glimpse of her going next door and then catching her red handed isn’t the way to do it…or maybe…

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“Jaw With John” – Friend, Discretion Is Advised

Recently a close friend and her boyfriend visited my family and me. During the visit my friend casually asked about my best friend, “Shelley.” We see each other only a few times a year.

As I was filling in my visiting friend about Shelley’s adorable new apartment she abruptly asked if she was still sleeping with the same (married) man she’s been seeing for years. I was completely dumbfounded and shocked. My visiting friend felt awful that she outed Shelley and said she assumed I already knew.

I feel terrible and wonder why Shelley didn’t tell me about this relationship. It seems dishonest of me not to bring this up with her, and I’ve always been honest with her. Should I tell her I know? I don’t want to throw my visiting friend under the bus for letting it slip. She feels terrible. I am feeling so torn between being honest and upfront about knowing and being respectful of Shelley’s privacy. If she wanted me to know, she would have told me, right? — Upset Friend

Dear Upset:

Let’s face it, your friend might have found out about Shelley through a third party so don’t feel too bad.

As for Shelley, you can approach her by saying “I heard that this guy you’re seeing is married? Is this true?” If she wants to talk about it, she will. If not, then that’s on her and you should respect that no matter how strongly you disagree with her. Discretion is a must here as doing anything loud or public could severely ruin multiple people’s lives. You and I know what she is doing is wrong but you are not the one to decide how it all plays out.

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“Jaw With John” – Girlfriend Has Marked Her Territory

I have recently found myself in a sticky situation with my boyfriend. We met six months ago through a mutual (female) friend. This person is my roommate — and my boyfriend’s best friend.

From the beginning I was proactive about not putting her in the middle of our relationship because I didn’t want to harm any of our friendships.

I had suspicions that they were conversing about our relationship, even though he has told me that he doesn’t tell her things about us.

I went snooping into his phone to satisfy my suspicions and found a mountain of texts about me between the two of them.

Most of the texts were harmless, but a few were alarming because of what he said about needing space from me. He said I’ve become too territorial.

When talking with him he denies wanting alone time and diminishes any fear of my being clingy.

Since I’ve gotten myself stuck between two very different opinions, what do I do? Should I let it go and hope he’s honest with me, or confront his dishonesty?

— Sadly Stuck

Dear Stuck:

The very fact that you were snooping implies that you are territorial. So you lose that battle. Sidebar: Doesn’t anyone lock their phone anymore?!? How does this keep happening to people? Someone can easily open their phone, read their messages and/or emails…what?!?

Relationships are personal and you want to keep it as such. Your boyfriend obviously needed someone to vent to and tell things that might’ve been bothering him at the time. Maybe they’re not bothering him anymore, or else words would have been exchanged. He clearly values this friends opinion and wanted to share his thoughts with someone he has known a long time AND lives with his girlfriend. Because she has insight into your mind as not only your friend but as a roommate too.

In the grand scheme of things, did he say anything that was defamatory? Since you’re focusing on him saying that he needs some space, I am going to to go ahead and assume that the answer is “No.” If that’s the case then you can take a step back and examine your relationship and see if you are being clingy and territorial (because it sounds like you are).

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“Jaw With John” – She’s Got Pregnancy Brain

My college friend is pregnant with her first child. When I found out she was having a baby, I was thrilled for her and offered to throw the shower (I also hosted her bridal shower a few years ago).

Her first response to my offer? “That would be great! Husband and I have already been talking about this and want to have an evening party with men and women, something nontraditional and more of a party before our lives are turned upside down.” She then started throwing out dates and other details.

I had envisioned an afternoon tea party or a mommy yoga class, but hadn’t made any firm plans. After hearing her response, I immediately got hung up on the etiquette of the situation (wait! doesn’t the hostess determine these details or at least have some input?) and my (sometimes too strongly held) principles.

With her specific and immediate expectations, I feel she would be better off hosting herself! All I want to do is excuse myself and retract my offer, but I don’t know what to say. Should I stick to my guns and refuse to host when she is dictating the terms right off the bat? Or am I being too sensitive and haven’t realized that moms-to-be are totally entitled to plan their own showers? — Old-Fashioned

Dear Old-Fashioned:

I’ve said this before but it bears repeating: no man wants to be a part of a baby shower. So this “non-traditional” party that she wants is a pretty dumb idea. She clearly has “Pregnancy Brain” and is suggesting things that are just plain illogical and downright stupid. “Mommy yoga” isn’t a good idea either, but you’ll think of another one.

You asked if you cold host/plan the party and now she has provided insight into what she wants, which is a dumb party idea, and now you don’t like that she’s pretty much planned the entire thing? Huh? Grow up. She’s taking all of the horrible parts about planning a party (planning) and has told you what to do. How much easier do you need it?

The only problem is that you need to convince her that the men & women baby shower party is an bad awful idea. Other than that, you are being too sensitive. Nudge her in a different direction.

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“Jaw With John” – Don’t Wonder “What If?”

I’m a senior in high school and am experiencing some friendship/relationship troubles. There’s a guy from a different school that I’ve known for a while. We have many similar interests and values. We talk often, but I don’t see him regularly because we don’t go to the same school.

I’ve developed feelings for him, and I’m interested in furthering my relationship with him. The only problem is that one of my close friends has expressed a very strong interest in him. I am private about this subject, but she has told many people about her feelings for him.

The guy knows she likes him and has not expressed interest in her. I’m afraid that if I tell her my thoughts, she’ll feel betrayed and will distance herself from me. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. What am I supposed to do? — Torn Friend

Dear Torn:

Maybe this guy hasn’t expressed interest in your friend because he doesn’t like her. And if that’s the case then if the two of you hit it off and she is left flailing in the wind then she will most likely resent you. It’s almost a no win scenario between you and your friend regardless of what you do. Tell this guy how you feel because if he finds someone else, or you do nothing at all, then you’re left wondering “What if?”. It is then that you will hate yourself even more for not doing something. Your friend may move on, or she may not. Either way, don’t let her feelings stand in the way of you possibly being happy.

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