Monthly Archives: May 2018

Dear John: When In Florida, Avoid Your In-Laws

My husband’s horrible sisters have invited themselves to our home in Florida. They hate me. One’s husband sexually assaulted me five years ago. When I had her come and get him (he was drunk), she accused me of making it up! (She saw it happen.)

The other sister has never invited us over for dinners or special events. She’s extremely obese and will break our furniture if she sits on it.

We are in our 70s, live modestly and can’t afford this selfish intrusion. My husband says, “But they’re my sisters!” Please help me get out of this. — LOOKING FOR PEACE

Dear Looking,

First question: Are you married to someone in The Klumps?

Second question: Would you even want to go over to your sister-in-law’s home for dinner? Sounds like you just want to cut her out completely.

There is one way to get out of this: divorce. JK, you seem to actually love your husband, just not the rest of his family. You can politely excuse yourself when they arrive by letting your husband know “Hey Todd, I’m gonna take a girl’s weekend with Muriel and Florence while your sisters are in town.” Boom. It’s that easy. You can even fake going away with people and just go do something fun for yourself!

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Dear John: Gluten-Free Friend Is Worried About Eating At Parties

I feel much more comfortable eating gluten-free. But it creates problems when I’m invited to the homes of friends. What’s the best way to deal with my dietary restrictions when invited to these affairs? — RESTRICTED EATER

Dear Restricted Eater,

You call up whoever invited you and say “Hey Brenda, I’m eating gluten free and was wondering what you will be serving? If you could provide a gluten free option that’d be awesome, but, I understand it’s an inconvenience. So, I can bring something for myself to eat that fits with my diet if a gluten free option is not available. Thanks a bunch!”

The good news is that there a tons of gluten-free options available and your dinner party hosts could potentially be able to accommodate you. At the same time, how many dinner parties are you getting invited to??? Check you out! Ms./Mr. Popular!

But at least you’re not vegan. They can be the worst and nearly impossible to deal with when planning meals.

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Dear John: Woman Wants No Tan Lines, Neighbors Might Want To See How That’s Achieved

I have really nice neighbors, and we are always pleasant to each other. We put up a large above-ground pool in our backyard, and they put up a trampoline.

I would like to enjoy our pool (how to put this delicately?) without tan lines. I do not want to offend them or expose myself to their teenage son when he’s jumping on their trampoline. Is there a tactful way to ask them to move the trampoline since there is no other way to stay discreet in my own backyard? — NO TAN LINES

Dear No Tan Lines:

Oh my god! Tramapoline! Trambopoline!

How…how tall is this trampoline? Is it like the Bank Hotel from Ocean’s 13? Because that would be one HELL of a trampoline!

One suggestion: Build a taller fence. You really don’t want to ask the neighbors to move their trampoline and then give your actual answer because then it might get back to the same teenage son you’re trying to avoid and he might then sneak out there and try and see what you’ve got hiding under your clothes. I speak from experience of being a teenage boy.

You can definitely ask them to move it on account of your privacy. And if that doesn’t work then maybe look in to some alternative ways to get no tan lines.

Whatever solution you reach, please wear sunscreen! Per skincancer.org: “While it is not the most common of the skin cancers, [melanoma] causes the most deaths. In 2016, an estimated 76,380 of these will be invasive melanomas, with about 46,870 in males and 29,510 in women.

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Dear John: Mom Is Angry At Lesbian Daughter, I Am Angry At Mom

My daughter recently informed me that she has met someone and the someone happens to be a woman. My reaction was, of course, shock and anger, although I have kind of suspected over the years that she is a lesbian.

She is 43 and was married for 10 years. She has two children and has been divorced for about 11 years now. She dated a few guys, but either had no luck with them or it didn’t last.

I don’t know how to handle this because I’m against people being gay. I see it as unnatural and think they all have issues. I don’t treat gay people any different from anyone else, but I do keep them at a distance. Now I don’t know how to proceed with our relationship. Please help. — SHOCKED AND ANGRY MOM

Dear Shocked:

I’m against people being gay.” So, you’re saying you’re intolerant. Even going so far as to admit that you “keep them at a distance.” Wow. So much fear and malice flows through your body. I feel sorry for your closed worldview. Gay people are no different than heterosexual, pansexual, or bisexual people.

Your daughter was living a life that wasn’t truly her life because she was not out and open with her sexuality. This is who your daughter is, a lesbian. And you cannot now claim shock when you say you suspected it over the years. You just didn’t want it to be true because of your view of gay people. Your remark about her having no luck or it not lasting with guys she dated is very troublesome. She had “no luck” because she wasn’t into dating men!

You need to apologize to your daughter, hope for forgiveness and a dialogue to start because all she has done is become her true self and now she can live the life that she wants to live.

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Dear John: Teenage Daughter Is Dating A Weirdo, By My Standards

My daughter is 19 and lives with me. She is seeing a 26-year-old man who has a child with another woman he didn’t marry.

When my daughter goes out with him, he keeps her out until 3:30 a.m. or later. He has done this twice that I know of. I had a conversation with him, and he assured me he would make sure she is home before midnight, to no avail.

I don’t think he’s good for my daughter. Should I forbid her from seeing him (because she lives in my house) or let her make her own decision? We are not going to raise a baby out of wedlock! — TEEN’S DAD

Dear Dad:

Forbidding a teenager to do something will just make them do it more. Take it from me. When my mom forbid me from watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit because she found the sexy Jessica Rabbit, well – too sexy, that only made me watch it whenever she wasn’t around.

In regards to the other thing, firstly why is a 26-year-old dating a 19-year-old? That’s just weird and a little creepy on so many levels. I get that it’s legal and everything but a year ago your daughter was in high school and this dude has been, presumably, out of college for at least three years…I dunno, maybe I’m being a prude here but he’s a weirdo. Secondly, talk with her and tell her how you feel! You can literally show her an example (her current BF) about what can happen if you have a child young and you are not prepared for it. After that, you just hope she heard you because she is legally an adult and no longer under your “rule” so to speak.

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