Monthly Archives: February 2017

“Jaw With John” – Banging Heads, Locking Lips

My girlfriend pins me up against a wall to kiss me every chance she gets. What does this mean? — Lip Locked In L.A.

Dear Lip Locked,

It means she wears the pants in this relationship.

I kid, I kid. It probably means that she’s into that sort of thing and is a bit of a dom… or she saw it somewhere and decided to try it on you.

If you don’t like it then you better speak up or else you’re going to get a concussion from all that headbangin’ (and I don’t mean the other head! zing!). If you do like it, then by all means speak up! Communication is essential in relationships and being intimate.

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“Jaw With John” – Filter Your Friend’s “Alternative Facts”

An older friend and I have exchanged emails since last spring. Hers have been mostly political and disparaging toward minorities. I asked her to please not send this stuff since we have opposite opinions on the subject, and I don’t plan to change my mind. I enjoy our in-person talks because they are nothing like the emails she sends, which are “forwards” somebody else has put together.

I quit reading them, but is there a way to politely stop her from disseminating nasty propaganda? I have tried fact-checking and sending corrections to her and to those on the long list of people she has sent these emails. It doesn’t work. — Fact Checker

Dear Fact Checker,

There’s this wonderful new invention called the SPAM folder! You can filter alllllllllll her messages to that folder and then you can delete them all at once and be done with it!

Listen, there are some people who don’t want “facts” they want “alternative facts” that cover up the real truth and prop up a certain ideal situation that they think they’re living in…when it is in fact denial of the actual truth. Filter her messages and be done with them.

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“Jaw With John” – I Don’t Care Who You Have A Crush On, Seriously

Why is it that when adults are trying to get to know my children, the first thing they want to know is who they have a crush on? Not only is that an extremely personal question, it’s also the least significant part of their lives and not something I want them to dwell on.

Ask instead what their favorite subject is, if they read a book recently they enjoyed, what kinds of activities they participate in or clubs they belong to. Please stop telling them that “surely some cute little kid” must have caught their eye. — Wise One In Virginia

Dear Wise One,

This question used to annoy me as a child. Really? You care who a 7-year-old might have a crush on? Live your own life and leave me alone!

Even as a teenager I would get the “Oh, do you have a girlfriend???” and when I would reply with a “No” they would lament the fact that “someone so handsome” was not taken…ugh! Gag me with a spoon.

I would long for the questions about what I was up to outside of school or, HELL, I’d answer questions about what I was up to IN school before I would willingly answer questions about who I had a crush on!

In today’s world I often jokingly break the ice with a group of people with a “Soooooo, who does everyone like???” but only in jest. I’m too old for that shit. So should these parents.

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“Jaw With John” – Mom’s Losing Sleep Over Carpool When There’s No Need

I have been carpooling with another mom for about a year. I pick her kids up from the bus stop and take them home. We help each other out, but I do most of the carpooling because of “Kathy’s” work schedule.

Because my daughter “Chris” turned 16, she will be driving to school once the weather improves. I told Kathy we have to discuss the carpool situation. By law, Chris will be allowed to have only one non-family member in the car. She cannot take Kathy’s daughter to and from school because Chris will be taking her best friend.

I feel terrible about it. I am a rule follower and don’t want to put my daughter in an illegal situation. I believe I have given Kathy plenty of time to figure another way home for her daughter. I’m not sure why I feel so bad and am losing sleep over this. Am I wrong? — Carpooling In Ohio

Dear Carpooling,

The universe tends to unfold as it should.” – Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

You’ve given notice to Kathy and she will adjust. This is not the end of the world. I am sure that in the future, Chris will be able to pick up Kathy’s daughter on random days when her best friend isn’t a passenger. Get some sleep, you look tired.

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