Monthly Archives: February 2017

“Jaw With John” – Gym Routine Thrown For A Loop: How To Deal

“For the past five years, I have been using the (very small!) exercise room in my apartment complex every day after work. It’s an important part of my routine. A couple of weeks ago, a new girl started coming into the exercise room shortly after I start my workout (it’s a little crowded, but no problem).

Last week, she started coming in just a few minutes before I get there. She puts her TV show on (very loudly), uses the machine I always use, and when I walk in at my usual time, I must use an old machine I don’t like and watch her horrible show.

I have lived here longer and feel I have earned my time in the gym, and she is being sneaky by coming in just before I do. I cannot come in earlier since I get there as soon as I get off work.

I’m tempted to exert my seniority! I feel wronged, even though I know it’s not my personal gym. Is there anything I can do when I feel snubbed like this? — Worked Up (Not Out) In Ohio

Dear Worked Up,

I’ll refer you to the adage of “First Come, First Served”. Meaning, obviously, that whoever gets there first gets to decide what machine they use and what is watched on the TV. Get there earlier and you’ll be able to work out how you want. Or go at a different time altogether! Otherwise, you’re SOL and need to suck it up.

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“Jaw With John” – Someone Call The Grammar Police!

“Many times, my co-workers make grammatical and punctuation errors in emails they send (both internal and external) or misuse words on conference calls. Is it in bad taste to mention to the individuals their misuse of the word “there” versus “their” or “your” versus “you’re”? One of the most common spoken grammatical mistakes is, “I seen it” instead of “I’ve seen” or “I saw.” I am not sure if they would appreciate knowing they are misusing words or if they might become offended. — Helpful In Florida

Dear Helpful,

My gut reaction feels your pain and wants you to let everyone know the difference because it also drives me nuts when I see this happen. It’s especially annoying, and a turn off, when I see someone I’m romantically interested in misuse the words.

In my previous place of work, I used to have fantasies of walking up to a whiteboard in a meeting and going into grammatical detail as to why those words were wrong. I would call out people regardless of position (me being a pretty low rung on the corporate ladder) and explain to them how it looks bad to see “isle” (like Gilligan’s) instead of “aisle” and the ones you mentioned too. But they were just that, fantasies.

I recommend talking to those who make the mistakes one-on-one and tell them how to fix their mistake. But if you harp on it because they still make the same mistakes then you’ll come out looking like the bad guy. Remember, you can’t fix stupid.

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“Jaw With John” – Helicopter Mom Needs To Exit The Exam Room

“I am the mom of two sons, ages 13 and 14. When I took them for their annual physical last summer, their pediatrician said this would be the last year I would be in the room while he examined my sons.

I don’t understand why I should have to leave if my children are OK with my being there. My sons are comfortable with me, and I am an only parent. It seems to me that more and more rights are being taken away from parents. Am I out of line for feeling this way? — Exam Room Off-Limits

Dear Off-Limits,

Beacausssseeeee your boys are at the age where their bodies are changing and they are experiencing new things, and hormones, and giving themselves the five-fingered-discount *if you know what I mean*.

But you seem to be a bit of a helicopter parent here so I’ll tell you this: Kids need space.

Kids need space especially when it comes to their changing bodies. I’m sure they have questions about their changing bodies that they would feel more comfortable asking a doctor WITHOUT THEIR MOTHER PRESENT! It’s uncomfortable enough watching The Thomas Crown Affair and then watching the crazy-passionate love scene with your mom. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be to have you in the room and your sons asking questions about sex, masturbation, etc that you really don’t want to hear…it’s time to find a Highlights magazine and sit in the waiting room.

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“Jaw With John” – Judge Me By My Size, Do You?

I am a 50-year-old male who has been dating a younger girl (28) for a year now. Everything has been great with her except for one thing. I am a virgin.

We recently discussed having relations and both agree that we want to. There’s just one problem. I have really talked myself up. I lied and told her I am much larger than I actually am. I am terrified she’ll dump me after she sees me. Please give me some advice. — Needs Help Fast

Dear Needs Help,

The wise Master Yoda once said “Size matters not.” He wasn’t only speaking to Luke about how one uses The Force, but now he speaks to you about your penis.

If you’ve been with this younger woman for about a year now then there is clearly something substantial there. Whether or not there is something substantial in between your legs, shouldn’t be an issue. If she has rubbed herself on your legs/crotch at any time during a heightened sexual situation (even though it didn’t get there) I’m sure she’s felt your actual size and knows.


Remember, “Size matters not.” It’s not how large you are but how well you use what you’ve got. You could be packing the next Dirk Diggler-sized member under your pants but if you’re not confident in how you use it/suck at it, then you might as well not have anything going on down there. Even though you’re a virgin, you can still be confident in your abilities by pleasing her and taking things slowly. Be honest with her and let things flow naturally. You’ll be fine!

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“Jaw With John” – Snot Appropriate To Blow Your Nose At The Table

“Could you please explain why so many people blow their noses at the supper table? You would think older folks would know better, but it seems like they are the worst offenders. I see a lot of this in restaurants or the cafeteria. I not only consider it rude but also gross.

Why can’t people excuse themselves from the table and leave the room to do it? I generally go to the ladies room or, if I’m home, go into another room. My mother and brother do this — and it’s disgusting! What is your view on this? Maybe you could teach some of these folks some manners. — Grossed Out In Florida

Dear Grossed Out,

“Supper”?!? C’mon bruh! It’s called dinner!

Yeah, it’s gross. Sometimes you can’t help but blow your nose at the table, like just after a sneeze or if it’s a sneeze with a lil’ snot coming out. But if you can help it, you better take it outside, to the bathroom, or somewhere that’s NOT the dinner/breakfast/lunch table.

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